APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

[big-daddy]

 I thought those of you guys with daughters would get a kick out of it.... Clean those shotguns....   


APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER....

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
_____________________________________________________________

_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married
______________________________

If years of marriage less than your age, explain
________________________________________________________________

____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING FAST.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to
you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend
___________________________________________________

How often you attend
________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is:
______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first
is:
______________________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________



H. If you piss me off where would you like to be buried? ____________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest /Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back.)

To prepare yourself, keep reading.

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
- Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.
- Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Cosmo]

 

[SWAMP_DONKEY]

  I love it !!!! With Miranda turning 15 this September...I have already shared it with her.

[klutchbuster400]

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


My favorite 

[~Demon_Boy250X~]

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


My favorite 

Hey calm down with your favorites... wait till my dad see this!

[klutchbuster400]

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


My favorite

Hey hey hey, excuse me mister! You're very lucky my father is nice with you!
-edit- I'm only just 'the coolest?' 

[~Demon_Boy250X~]

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


My favorite

Hey hey hey, excuse me mister! You're very lucky my father is nice with you!
-edit- I'm only just 'the coolest?' 

Deanne? lol

[klutchbuster400]

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. The voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


My favorite

Hey hey hey, excuse me mister! You're very lucky my father is nice with you!
-edit- I'm only just 'the coolest?' 

Deanne? lol

Gee, what gave it away? 

[yfz122]

I will be using this tomorrow.

[caospop]

OMG Ricky that is trully priceless...

[Numkut]

Haha wow this brings back memories, my gfs dad is majorly southern and showed me his gun the first time I went over lol I wanted to leave so bad. He started talking to me at about 6 months though, now were drinkin buddies at one year!

[FishaHallic]

Good one Big-daddy, even though I have at least 5 yrs before I have to worry about this (I hope more) I think I will make a copy for future usage 

[Slick89]

I was told the other day that i was going to have to fill this out.......... do I have to be honest?





I'm Scared!!!!! :H :H

[~Demon_Boy250X~]

I wouldn't pass if any father did this to me... i mean i would... but i have my ear pierced and it clearly states
"ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING FAST.) "

LOL I have an Earing... I hope no one ever really uses this... i would just turn around... 

[logandzwon]

Just something to think about... When I was growing up the girls with the most controlling/conservative parents were the quickest to get in bed with anyone that would deal with it.  They were usually the best/freakiest in bed too.

[budman]

I never had to fill out that application, but even worse, was that my girlfriend's father was a gun totin', high ranking member of the KKK. This dude was my worst nightmare, because I had no idea he was a klansman, (the butch cut, rebel flags, and ultra ultra ultra right wing ideals didn't click.) I was a hippie type catholic that was seen speaking to a black dude, and then he found out I was banging his daughter.... well lets just say gunplay ensued..

[predatorracer8]

I never had to fill out that application, but even worse, was that my girlfriend's father was a gun totin', high ranking member of the KKK. This dude was my worst nightmare, because I had no idea he was a klansman, (the butch cut, rebel flags, and ultra ultra ultra right wing ideals didn't click.) I was a hippie type catholic that was seen speaking to a black dude, and then he found out I was banging his daughter.... well lets just say gunplay ensued..

was it worth it lol j/p..... this is a pretty intense application, i think 4-6 years is a little long to wait on a call back though....

[FORDFANZ]

thats  great  I  wont  need  this  for  10  years  but   I   file it  away 

[yfz122]

At 16 I was bigger and meaner than the fathers. That's how I found out about uncles!!!

[450rcrazy]

That reminds me of a scene in the movie Bad Boyz 2 Where the kid came to pick up martin lawrance's daughter.

[Cory1020]

haha ive seen those before, my ex showed them to me lol.

i would fail the first one b.c of my truck and oversized tires. ha