Waxing... philosophical

kawGIRL · February 09, 2006, 01:11:11 AM

My night began as any other normal week night. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax; you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm, you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else), and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in, so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight, and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair-fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my Wooha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek.

(Yes, it was a long strip.) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
CRAP!!!

Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious....Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe....OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy -- a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip....
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair.The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake....Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Wooha?
Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! ! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits, and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter: "So, my butt and woo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal, but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,

"Are we talking cheeks or woo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now....I can hear her. I give her the rundown, and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super-hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on, and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

"IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend, and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair: THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......

love2mud · February 09, 2006, 02:15:22 AM

I think I laughed so hard I hurt something. Thank you for making me laugh and smile. Oh man, that's so funny.....

Patricia Pearce · February 09, 2006, 03:09:17 AM

"OUCH"!! NEXT TIME USE NAIR!

renmus · February 09, 2006, 05:14:52 AM

Now that made me laugh, then cry because I laughed too much.

wyldelee · February 09, 2006, 02:17:24 PM

Now that was funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!Still laughing an hour later.
Thanks

wilburz · February 09, 2006, 02:58:02 PM

Please tell me more......

MuddFreak77 · February 09, 2006, 04:31:52 PM

KAWgirl,

Thank you for making me laugh on this miserable day, you just made my day!!!

With many family and friend in the medical field ranging from EMS to the OR, I can honestly say that is NOTHING compared to some of the stories I get to hear, but still VERY painful I'm sure.

Maybe one day I'll post a story of the Energizer Bunny I mean lady.

Freakk

Loven It · February 10, 2006, 02:51:57 PM

That was absoutely hilarious

Good one....

Moose · February 11, 2006, 04:16:41 AM

I had to look while here talking about my daughter's present.

Thank you very much, I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard, and for so long. My sides hurt.

In real life that would be a terrible spot to be in I'm telling ya.

2006YFZ450 · February 21, 2006, 12:43:14 AM

LMAO............Never laughed so hard

Mrs.Nightbreed · February 21, 2006, 01:50:02 AM

OMG I am still crying and both my kids ran in the room to ask what was so funny!

Personally I think I would have tried the hair dryer to melt the wax and lay the paper back over it, but hey I guess the job eventually got done.

I think I wil NEVER try self waxing! If I ever get the urge to go that route I will just have to pay the salon ladies. Until then I will stick with Bic...

Sahara311 · April 20, 2006, 02:06:19 PM

Quote from: Patricia Pearce on February 09, 2006, 03:09:17 AM
"OUCH"!! NEXT TIME USE NAIR!

Oh, god no, not down there!

Been there, done that, burned for a week.

I have to say those strips are evil....I tried them for my eyebrows.
I will just pay some one else to professionally torture me!

SkyHighT100 · April 21, 2006, 12:04:41 AM

OMG, that was way too funny!! Thanks for the laugh!! On a serious note, Nair is one of the best things EVER. It only burns if you leave it on too long... the new formula shouldnt stay on more then 3 minutes. Anyway, when it comes to the woo-ha... An electric razer to start, followed by a 4 blade razor and you are good to go. Also a great investment I just discovered last week is Noxema Bikini. It is a lotion that you put on after shaving that prevents irritation... it's awesome. Lol... I will never even attempt wax strips after that story though, lol.

Oh the many learning experiences of being a woman, lol

Want2Ride2 · April 21, 2006, 01:01:59 AM

ROFLMAO

still laughing, my kids think i'm crazy, there trying to figure out what i'm laughing at.

renmus · April 21, 2006, 02:26:30 AM

This is one of those things you can read over and over and still laugh. Shared with many friends.

kawGIRL · April 21, 2006, 01:38:09 PM

Wow SkyHigh

that should get some comments from the Peanut Gallery

peanut · April 22, 2006, 01:50:28 AM

Quote from: kawGIRL on April 21, 2006, 01:38:09 PM
Wow SkyHigh that should get some comments from the Peanut Gallery

Who me? I'm leaving this one alone.

SkyHighT100 · April 22, 2006, 01:02:55 PM

Quote from: kawGIRL on April 21, 2006, 01:38:09 PM
Wow SkyHigh that should get some comments from the Peanut Gallery

Lol, sorry... just wanted to share some tips I've learned, lol.

kawGIRL · April 22, 2006, 11:32:54 PM

bluesman · April 22, 2006, 11:52:14 PM

Quote from: SkyHighT100 on April 21, 2006, 12:04:41 AM
OMG, that was way too funny!! Thanks for the laugh!! On a serious note, Nair is one of the best things EVER. It only burns if you leave it on too long... the new formula shouldnt stay on more then 3 minutes. Anyway, when it comes to the woo-ha... An electric razer to start, followed by a 4 blade razor and you are good to go. Also a great investment I just discovered last week is Noxema Bikini. It is a lotion that you put on after shaving that prevents irritation... it's awesome. Lol... I will never even attempt wax strips after that story though, lol.

Oh the many learning experiences of being a woman, lol

Iam not sure I think Ill need some pics skyhigh lol

cheropride · July 12, 2006, 08:37:18 PM

OH MY GOSH - that was too funny. And then they way you tell it, oh my gosh, that was way to funny, well, it probably wasn't for you. But thanks for the GREAT LAUGH.