FUNNY JOKES !!!!

[4XGrL]

Not a joke but very funny!

for those easily offended....Rated R for language....

Turn up the volume on your PC....
http://www.scarysquirrel.org/special/movies/foamy/sml2.html

[cain73]

That's funny but true x4grl. Go to USF sometime and you see lots of that.

[4XGrL]

I think its pretty funny!  

but i think it is lost in this long string of jokes.

[Michelle]

Not a joke but very funny!

for those easily offended....Rated R for language....

Turn up the volume on your PC....
http://www.scarysquirrel.org/special/movies/foamy/sml2.html

Man of all the jokes and or non jokes posted so far that one was the absolute FUNNIEST!Good one 4XGIRL

[jackass4life]

I LIVOED EVERYBODYS JOKE THEY REALLY FUNNY

[Asphaltdragon]

heres soomthing for yall.

http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=174928651&m=4404&rr=y&source=msne999


I think there is a little redneck in everyone

[DittoBabyGirl]

Much has been said about "tough love" for misbehaving children.  

Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so my spouse and I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those moments".

One that we found very effective is for me just take the child for a car ride and talk.

They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.

I've included the photo below of one of my sessions, with our son, in case you would like to use the technique.


Its very effective!





(scroll down)

[Michelle]

OH GAWD LMAO.I'll have 2 try that one ,BUT knowing my kids they would ENJOY the heck out of it

[cain73]

First off... babygirl I'm glad to see you have already found all the right sites. This one is great for local riders.
Just wanted to say that I use a similar method. I take my kids to the park, and sure enough by the time they find their way home they are willing to see things my way  .

[DittoBabyGirl]

Yeah, thanks Cain...you guys couldn't hide from me forEVER!

[Slow_Rider]

 Two Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on bench during break.
One turns to the other asking,"Slim, I'm 73 years old and I'm just full
of
aches and pains, I know you are about my age, How do you feel?

Slim says, "I feel just like a new born babe."

Rather amazed his coworker repeats his statement in the form of a
question,
"Really? A new born babe???"

"Yup", grins Slim, "No teeth, No hair and I think I just wet my
pants."

[cain73]

This is a true story, After our second child my wife started exerciseing to lose the weight she had gained with the pregnancy. After monitoring her diet and exercising she failed to lose weight and in fact put on a few pounds. Frustrated she went to the doctor for a check up. After a consultation and a few tests he came back in to the room and congradulated us saying "you did it again, she's pregnant". Still reeling from the recent birth of our second daughter I was nearly floored. The doctor said "well you know what causes this, so you shouldn't be surprised". Being a smart butt I said " I think it was something in the water". He replied "no it was something in the air" Baffled I asked in disbelief "the air?" and he said "yep, your wife's feet".  Although he had been her doctor since she was 12 I expected a little more relaxed attitude while dealing with her, but that caught me off gaurd.

[kawGIRL]

New Virus
There's a new virus going around. The code name for it is "WORK". If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch WORK under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks, and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are Already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Then retry. I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I'm headed for the bar anyway. Never hurts to be safe.

[Michelle]

http://koti.mbnet.fi/~soldier/towboat.htm

[DittoBabyGirl]

Holy crap!  lol

[Antiochmudder]

That is pretty wild Bump. They fail to mention the tug boat was powerd by 2 POLARIS 600 twinn motors.hehe

[Michelle]

lol your 2 funny

[mne34]

First, to all the police officers, please do not be offended by this joke!!    I couldn't help but post it!  

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),
a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the
other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a
rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up
to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work
from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot not a very nice person?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS.

[mne34]

I get so many jokes a day from friends I could keep this up forever!! *** Never posted a pic before so not sure if this is going to work.

What happens when you:

1) have nothing to do

2) own a sharp knife

3) have a large lime

4) own a patient cat

5) drink too much tequila

6) and it's football season?

[mne34]

OK Ok just one more, I promise!  

How to Shower like a woman....
> >>>
> >>>1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
> >>>according to  lights and darks.
> >>>
> >>>2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband

> >>>along  the way, cover up any exposed areas.
> >>>
> >>>3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note

> >>>to do more sit-ups
> >>>
> >>>4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long
> >>>loofah,  wide loofah, and pumice stone.
> >>>
> >>>5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43
added
> >>>vitamins.
> >>>
> >>>6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
> >>>
> >>>7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced
> >>>with  natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
> >>>
> >>>8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes

> >>>until red.
> >>>
> >>>9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body
> >>>wash.
> >>>
> >>>10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
> >>>
> >>>11. Shave armpits and legs.
> >>>
> >>>12. Turn off shower.
> >>>
> >>>13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with

> >>>Tilex.
> >>>
> >>>14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

> >>>Wrap  hair in super absorbent towel.
> >>>
> >>>15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
> >>>
> >>>16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on
head.
> >>>
> >>>17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

> >>>
> >>>
> >>>How To Shower Like a Man
> >>>
> >>>1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave

> >>>them in a  pile.
> >>>
> >>>2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way,
shake
> >>>wiener  at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
> >>>
> >>>3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of
> >>>your  wiener and scratch your ass.
> >>>
> >>>4. Get in the shower.
> >>>
> >>>5. Wash your face.
> >>>
> >>>6. Wash your armpits.
> >>>
> >>>7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

> >>>
> >>>8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud
they
> >>>sound in  the shower.
> >>>
> >>>9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
> >>>
> >>>10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the
> >>>soap.
> >>>
> >>>11. Shampoo your hair.
> >>>
> >>>12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
> >>>
> >>>13. Pee.
> >>>
> >>>14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
> >>>
> >>>15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because
> >>>curtain was  hanging out of tub the whole time.
> >>>
> >>>16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
> >>>
> >>>17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

> >>>
> >>>18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass
> >>>wife, pull  off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo'

> >>>sound again.
> >>>
> >>>19. Throw wet towel on bed.

[DittoBabyGirl]

LMAO!

Awwwwwwwww

I love the cat pic

[jackass4life]

knock knock
whos there?
boo!!
boo who !!
gosh you  dont have to cry about it!!


lol hahahahaha   i crack my self up, lol j/k

[Honda328i]

Another “Rabbit Run”

This is a true story.  Our next door neighbor’s daughter has a pet rabbit in our South Orlando neighborhood.  Occasionally they would let the rabbit out of the cage to get some exercise and it would often hide in the bushes of our front yard.  A couple of weeks ago, the rabbit turned up missing, much to the girl’s dismay.  They suspected that the “cable guy” had taken it but we couldn’t imagine anyone would be so mean.  I remarked to my wife that the oriental people 3 doors down probably ate it for dinner.  (They cook in their garage, but that’s another story.)  Two weeks passed and my wife went to a friend’s house in Kissimmee for a “girl” party.  (Scrapbooks or Tupperware?)  After being there for awhile, the “friend” walks out with the neighbor’s rabbit and shows my wife.  My wife proceeds to tell the woman that the rabbit belongs to our neighbor and that the girl next door is devastated.  The “friend” proceeds to tell my wife she took it out of our yard one day when we were not home.  She took it because its nails needed to be trimmed and “it wasn’t being taken care of”. Not even the least bit concerned about an apology or how the neighbor girl feels.  Not to mention the fact that he had it in Kissimmee 2 weeks and never told my wife she “found“ it in OUR yard.   Now, my poor wife, caught in the middle of the whole thing, brings the rabbit home with her that night.  Then she takes it next door and tells the neighbors she found it in the front yard.  What is she supposed to do, “tell the neighbor’s her friend stole it and took it to Kissimmee”?  The police would laugh their heads off if we told them about a story like this.  And get this, no joke, the woman who stole the rabbit, her name is, you guessed it…  Bunny. Weird people out there.  My wife is looking for new friends.  I keep telling her to ride with us, the best people are on this site, but you knew that.  --H

[DittoBabyGirl]

Ok...that does it...you Floridians are WEIRD

[Honda328i]

A Wife's Story:

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all.

Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh s--t," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."