FUNNY JOKES !!!!

[DjLeOo]

DOES ANYONE HAVE A FUNNY JOKE PLEASE POST IT HERE !!

A GIRL ON A DATE

> > >A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit here
and
> > >let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try and
> > >kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let Him do that. He
> > >is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that but
> > >don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try
> > >and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to
> > >like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the
> > >family. With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on
> > >her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went
> > >just like she had predicted: Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace
> > >the family. When he tried, Ijust turned over, got on top of him,
> > >and disgraced HIS family..." Granny fainted

[kawGIRL]

A priest was driving along ...
and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak..." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

[Michelle]

BOTH OF THOSE WERE VERY FUNNY [smiley=BigSmile.gif]
LOVE THE CHANGE  [smiley=Clap.gif]HUMOR IS ALWAY'S WELCOMED IN MY OPINION

[DjLeOo]

A priest was driving along ...
and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak..." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

GOOOOOD ONE !!!

[kawGIRL]

I can do this all day....

WARNING: LOCK YOUR DOORS ! ! ! ! !

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
New Jersey man was found dead in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.
A banana was sticking out of his butt.  

Police suspect a cereal killer.

ONLY IN NEW JERSEY

[Honda328i]

Subject: Top 10 reasons why handguns are better than women.....

 
#10 - YOU CAN TRADE AN OLD 44 FOR A NEW 22.
 
#9 - YOU CAN KEEP ONE HANDGUN AT HOME, AND HAVE ANOTHER FOR WHEN YOU'RE ON THE ROAD.
 
#8 - IF YOU ADMIRE A FRIEND'S HANDGUN, AND TELL HIM SO, HE WILL PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT OUT A FEW TIMES.
 
#7 - YOUR PRIMARY HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU KEEP ANOTHER HANDGUN FOR A BACK UP.
 
#6 - YOUR HANDGUN WILL STAY WITH YOU, EVEN IF YOU RUN OUT OF AMMO.
 
#5 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T TAKE UP A LOT OF CLOSET SPACE.
 
#4 - HANDGUNS FUNCTION NORMALLY EVERY DAY OF THE MONTH.
 
#3 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T ASK, "DO THESE NEW GRIPS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?"
 
#2 - A HANDGUN DOESN'T MIND IF YOU GO TO SLEEP AFTER YOU USE IT.
 
And, the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman......
 
#1 - YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN!

Now everyone laugh, ladies too.

[Big_Dave]

                          Priceless

Marty wakes up one morning with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, Ieft early to go shopping, Love you"
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning paper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home at 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled in the door."
 
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His Son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you into the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, " Lady leave me alone, I'm married!"
 
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
 
Broken furniture - $200.00
 
Breakfast - $10.00
 
Saying the right thing - Priceless

[DjLeOo]

>SOME HUMOR FOR TODAY KIDS TODAY THINK ON THEIR FEET
>
>TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
>
>JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
>
>TEACHER: No, that's wrong
>
>JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
>
>SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
>
>TEACHER: What are you talking about?
>
>SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that
>
>we didn't have ten years ago.
>
>WILLIE: Me!
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
>
>TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
>
>ELLEN: I is...
>
>TEACHER: No, Ellen.... Always say, "I am."
>
>ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
>
>JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same
>
>day, same time."
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
>tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
>punish him?"
>
>JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
>
>SAM: No sir, I don't have to,. . .my Mom is a good cook.
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
>your brother's. Did you copy his?
>
>DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
>
>*************
>
>TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
>no longer interested?
>
>PUPIL: A teacher

[Hiram]

Driving Drunk

A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.

The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"

"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving fine. It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave you away."

[B-man]

Great jokes eveyone.....thanks for getting this thread started DjLeOo !    Needed a good laugh

[DjLeOo]

Your very welcome !!!!!

Keep the jokes coming guys & gals !!!

 [smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif] [smiley=BigSmile.gif]

[kawGIRL]

Blond Joke  

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Lousiana.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes
in the worst way...but she was very reluctant to pay the
high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly
prized shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices"
attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator,
so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!"

The shopkeeper replied with a sly, knowing smile "Little lady,
you just go ahead and give it a try, why don't ya!"

The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the
swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator.

Later in the day as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls
over to the side of the levee where he spots that same
young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water,
shotgun in hand.  Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator
swimming rapidly toward the young lady.  With lightning speed,
she takes aim and kills the creature...and, with a great deal
of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank.  Lying nearby
were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario
in amazed silence.

Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great
frustration, she shouts out "Damn.  This one is barefoot, too!"

[DjLeOo]

Museum Baby Humor

[NPRVinson]

MEN DON'T FORGET ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just starring at the wall. She watches him take a drink of coffee and wipe a tear from his eye. ''What's the matter dear?'' she whispers as she walks into the room. ''Why are you down hear at this time of night?'' The husband looks up from his coffee and says ''Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?'' he asks solomnly. ''Yes I do'' she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. ''Do you remember when your father caught us making love in the back seat of the car?'' ''Yes I remember'' said the wife as she lowered herself in the chair beside him. The husband continued. ''Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said ''you either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'' I remember that too'' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said '' I would have gotten out today''.

[kawGIRL]

Pet Owner Declaration
Dear Dogs and Cats,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.

Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.    I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs' butt.  

I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door...

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

[Honda328i]

It's a man thing.


A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it!" She blows her top, "You Bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. " Aw fu*k, it's started."

[Honda328i]

How do you explain this to the insurance company....  

[DjLeOo]

WOW scaryyyyyyyy!!!!!

[Honda328i]

Dear Abby,


  My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The
other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be
able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood
it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a
big f$%k&#ng red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time
he'll buy me a diamond.
                          Sincerely,
                       Bit*chy in Boston

[Michelle]

that was goooooooooooood

[DjLeOo]

A blind man in a store

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

[DjLeOo]

..

[LakeMaryKid]

LMAO ^^^^^^

[DjLeOo]

..

[DjLeOo]

The scary ballet sight